Confessions
by Kissing The Lipless
Summary: Summer reflects on life, love, friendship, and Seth. Companion to Hidden Memories and Seeing Is Believing.


_Confessions _

_By Elizybeth_

Their relationship wasn't as one-sided as everyone thought. Or even as much as he thought. There were things no one else, including him, knew. That was what it all came down to.

Summer had actually noticed him just before her tenth birthday. Of course, they had been in the same class once or twice before, but she'd only been vaguely aware of his existence. It wasn't like he'd made a direct attempt to talk to her or anything.

But then, she had caught him watching her. Marissa had informed her that she should consider this quite creepy, and also grounds for a restraining order, but she didn't. Secretly, she kind of thought it was sweet.

Whenever their eyes met, however briefly, he'd smile, give a little wave, and then turn away bashfully. And sometimes, she smiled back.

Summer had meant to talk to him. Maybe ask him why he found her so completely captivating. But instead, her eyes followed him frequently, trying to understand him. For a while, she waited for something that never came.

But then, the same month her first boyfriend broke her heart, her mom had left. Summer had come home to a hurried note full of nothing and an empty closet, and that was that. From then on, everything changed. She had only cried once in the seven years since then, and she wasn't planning on that happening ever again. She sealed her heart off to everyone, maybe believing that if she grew close to someone, they'd leave, too. The only person she let her defenses down for was Marissa, and even that became rare.

Deep down, she had a childish fear that her best friend would leave her. That night in Tijuana, she'd been so selfishly terrified of her leaving, she had turned to the only other person she had thought might know her. That had been a mistake, though. She had vowed never to let him into her heart.

Seth Cohen was the one who could break her.

Around the time of her mother's departure, she'd begun watching him. More like observing, she would tell herself. You're allowed to observe people without being classified as a stalker.

Summer knew more about Seth than anyone else. It had become habit for her to search for him every morning when she arrived at school, or walked into the cafeteria. The days when he was absent, she spent the better part of the day mulling over the possibilities of his lack of attendance.

She could instantly tell anyone his favorite book (On The Road), or band (Death Cab. She'd ended up buying their CD and had been surprised to find she liked it).

She knew that his mom still left a note in his lunch all through junior high, and that even though he pretended not to, he loved seeing them there. She saw the disappointment he tried to hide when there wasn't one, and Summer hadn't even thought it was stupid. She'd been jealous.

She knew his favorite color (red), and his parents' names. That, given their status, wasn't that unusual, but she also knew his middle name.

Once, they had to turn in forms for a class trip, and his was on the top of the stack. So, naturally, she had stolen a glance. And for some reason, the information stuck. She could rattle off his birthday, address, or even phone number anytime, but she never would have. It was just because she had a good memory, she told herself stubbornly.

Her favorite memory happened in their third grade year. Her stepmom had, once again, forgotten to pack her a lunch or give her money, so Summer had nothing to feed to the squirrel that had been eating her scraps for months. Sadly, she'd crouched down near him and offered an apology before walking back inside. Out of the corner of her eye, she'd seen Seth creep over and offer half of his peanut butter sandwich to the little animal. She had watched in disbelief as it ate right out of his hand. He hadn't even done that for her! And they did say animals were good judges of character.

That kid had stuck on her every since.

It wasn't like she had desperately pined for him for years, or whatever. He was a distraction. A fascination, maybe. Like when you had to watch a plant's growth over time in science class. An observation, really. He just stayed with her, like a habit impossible to shake.

She covered her tracks well, though. Not even Marissa knew of her strange tendencies. She acted the same way around him as she did around anyone else; harsh, confident, and brutally honest. But sometimes, she wished she never had. Every time she saw the hurt look in his eyes after another bitter insult ala Summer Roberts, she considered taking it back.

But she never did.

She realized that that Chino kid had given a lot people around here a much-needed dose of confidence. Even Marissa, who had finally broken up with Luke, who she considered the biggest asshole in all of Newport, which was saying a lot. Anyway, like she hadn't seen that one coming.

And Seth, the guy who'd never even had the guts to start a conversation with her, had somehow suddenly worked his way even deeper into her life. She'd never admit, of course, but it was a nice change.

And he remembered that squirrel thing, too.

It was getting harder to herself around him. Or actually, harder to be the person everyone thought she was. It was really tempting to be just her. At least, if she could figure out exactly who that was. So maybe, someday, she would let him in.

Except she already had. It was just that he had no idea.


End file.
